What I Am Grateful For

(in no specific order)
1. My faith because it plays a big role in my personality
2. Growing up in a home that values close relationships with relatives
3. All the things my parents have been able to provide for my siblings and I
4. Not having to go through the experience of losing a loved one
5. My boyfriend for always being there for me and genuinely having my interests at heart
6. My sister getting her license because if she hadn't, I probably wouldn't have pushed myself to get one as well
7. The close relationships that I have built with my friends to the point where a year could go by without speaking and we could still pick everything up as if we never stopped
8. Being able to come up with the money to buy a car
9. Netflix
10. The infant that is in my mother's daycare because being able to take care of him allows me to experience the love and nurture that goes into taking care of a child without actually having one

Essays Galore

     During my second year of attending Oxnard College I have enrolled in a math, history, and english class.  Although it is only three classes, they each come with a very heavy work load that I honestly was not expecting when I first signed up for them. I know that I can do the work, it's just more a matter of finding the time and having the discipline to do what I have to do in order to stay on the right track and pass my classes. I would have to say that the biggest challenge for me is the non-stop writing assignments that my english and history class gives me, especially when it's an essay.

     When I was in high school, I rarely had to compose an essay. They were probably assigned once or twice a year. During my first year of college, I was assigned more essays, but still not enough to make me feel comfortable writing one. I now have at least one essay due just about every week in this semester. The upside to this heavy workload consisting many writing assignments is how much my writing is now improving. I definitely have more confidence in my writing and do not freak out when an essay is being assigned.

     Although all the practice is doing good for me, it is still overwhelming at times and I do find myself considering dropping a class every now and then. When those thoughts come into my mind, I just try to remind myself of how much I've already accomplished and what a waste it would be to drop a class since I would eventually need to take it again in order to fill certain requirements regarding the goals I wish to accomplish. I also think of how fast time seems to fly by, so if I just stick it through and give it my all, it'll be over before I know it.      

The Value of Money

     When we are at a young age, we tend to only focus on small parts of pictures that pop out to us in some way instead of taking them in as a whole image. We don't see the rest of the picture as important because we might not be matured enough to make sense of it. As we grow into our teen and pre-teen years we learn to see more of the bigger picture and why things are the way they are. For me, the value of money was something that took years to fully grasp.

     Like any other kid, I would often see commercials for toys on TV. By the end of it they'd say, "It was once valued at $100.00, but now you can have this toy for ONLY $49.99!" I'd immediately run to my parents and tell them all about it and how little it would cost compared to the larger price. Often times they would looked amused by how "little" I thought the cost was and try to explain how they couldn't afford to get it at that time. It made no sense to me how they were not able to buy me something that I had wanted, yet they could go get groceries the next day. Life just felt so unfair.

     In my early teenage years, I gradually started to realize just how much money it takes to keep up our lifestyle and how to not take it for granted. It wasn't until after I graduated from high school, enrolled in college, and started working as an assistant in my mom's daycare that the whole bigger picture came into view much more clearly. I started to pay for my own school books, supplies, clothes, outings, and whatever else I needed. Having that responsibility forced me to recognize all the aspects of life that come with a dollar sign that I hadn't always noticed before.

     Ultimately, I now have a better understanding of how hard my parents work for their money in order to support their kids. It pushes me to try my best to help out and lessen the financial load off of their shoulders whenever I can.    

The Family Break-up

           Families get broken up all the time, all over the world. No matter where they're from it's generally always the same factors that can cause such a devastation. Factors like financial pressure, alcoholism, abuse of drugs, loss of a loved one, and many more can be at the root of it. Yet, despite all the trouble these events can do to a family there is one act that, in my opinion, triumphs over all of the others; a divorce. I had grown accustomed to the already unstable nature of my family, but nothing shook me up more than the time my mother decided to divorce my father.

            When you're a kid, everything seems better than it actually might be. You are oblivious to anything going on behind the scenes, or at least I was. During my younger childhood years, there were a fair amount of really good memories. Like our really big backyard. It was probably the biggest one on the block. It was full of wild and untouched grass and plants that rooted from the edges of all four fences. My parents knew how much my sister and I loved to play outside for hours. So they told us that they wanted to build a swing set with an enormous, two story playhouse like we've never seen before. We giggled and hoorayed with joy and excitement. My parents spent what felt like weeks building our own playground. My sister and I would try to be as much help to them as we could, but they seemed to have had it handled. When it was finished, it did indeed live up to the expectations that were set for it. They always acted like a great team and cooperated well with each other in order to get things done for us. 
             As I got older I started to realize how strange of a relationship my parents actually did have. They hardly spent much time together. After work, my dad would come straight home and watch TV in the shed which left my mom a more dominant role in raising my siblings and I. Whenever my mom and dad did interact, it was never in a loving way. They were always bickering about the same things as if it was the first time they had argued about it. Even though their relationship was clearly unstable to everyone who encountered it, it didn't seem that bad to me. Growing up with that example did not quite brainwash me into thinking that kind of behavior within a marriage was normal. I just assumed that they must have had some other hidden aspect of their relationship that was keeping their flame burning for eighteen years. If it was anybody else's relationship I wouldn't be expecting them to stay together forever. But for some reason, I assumed my parents were the exception until the day my mom came to my sister and I with sincere thoughts of divorce.

            "I don't think I can live like this anymore," my mom told us with a worried face, two weeks before Christmas of 2013. You could tell she was very anxious about how we would respond. We kept quiet until she was completely done. Even though she held complete seriousness in her voice, the whole situation still felt unreal. Especially since she hadn't even declared her feelings to my dad yet. I guess breaking the news to us first was more important for whatever reason. That logic alone reinforced to me the idea that their marriage was never built on the right things. It made more sense to talk about something as severe as a divorce with your spouse long before you even think about involving the kids. But, what was done was done and now all I could think about was how my dad was going to take it. Although my mom might have thought this through and seen the signs long before anyone I know for a fact that this news would hit him like a truck. Shortly after my mom's confession to us she ventured out into the shed to confront my dad. I don't know exactly what was said, but if their intense and boisterous voices could pierce right through the thick walls of my room then I knew it wasn't anything amiable.

           A couple days later my boyfriend decided to come over and hang out at the house. Whilst in conversation, my dad walked up to us and asked if we could speak to him on the picnic table in the backyard for a more private setting. I was immediately taken by surprise from his want to have an intimate conversation with me let alone my boyfriend as well. He wasn't one to express any emotion other than sarcasm. I always believed that he used his sarcasm as a defense mechanism to avoid expressing real feelings in order to prevent himself from judgment. As we listened to what my dad had to say, he attempted to give us a heartfelt lecture about how to keep a relationship going strong. Then he started to explain his perspective of why my mom wanted a divorce. Even with his sunglasses on I could tell he was trying really hard not to let a single tear fall, as if in doing so it would make the conversation sound more serious than he had wanted it to be. Towards the end he expressed his hopes for him to somehow make things right with my mother and continue their marriage. My heart wanted to reach out to him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. That I believed they could make things work. My head knew the truth though. Both of their actions is what destroyed whatever was left of their marriage in the long run, and there was no way my mother was going to continue to settle for a man whom she deemed "too old for new tricks."

            The next few months for my parents were filled with bickering and hurtful words towards each other like I've never seen. Even after my dad moved out the fighting continued on. My sister and I were constantly put in the middle and were always faced with choosing a side. No matter how hard we tried to stay neutral, my parents would find a way to put us on a side. Most of the time they didn't even realize they were doing it. They were too caught up in being justified in their own feelings to fully consider the effect it could have on us.   

             Now with the divorce finalized, their constant arguing has settled down. They aren't able to have a civil conversation yet, but they try harder to keep my siblings and I out of it. However, I have a feeling their issues will continue to have a negative effect on the rest of us until they both decide to suck it up, focus on their kids, and move on with their lives.

            There are a lot of reasons why a family breaks, but from my experience there is no other pain or hardships that can out-do the aftermath of a divorce.

           

                         

 

The Importance of Names

A name can say a lot about a person.  They come in all kinds of different shapes and sizes with meanings behind them that can represent a vast amount of possibilities. They can represent things like one's heritage, social status, and ultimately their identity. To some people names are everything and they wouldn't be anything without them. However, I wouldn't consider myself one of these people. 

My parents gave me the name Tori Lynn Foster. 

My first name, Tori, was ultimately chosen by my father. My mother wanted my name to be Victoria, but both of my parents couldn't stand the idea of someone mistakenly calling me Vicky. I guess it just rubbed them the wrong way and I'm glad it did since I'm not too fond of that nickname either. Besides Tori being simple and short enough to yell across the house in only two syllables, that name was mostly given to me in honor of my dad's oldest sibling and only sister, my Aunt Lori. Her and I share a lot of common qualities in our personalities so I guess naming me somewhat after her was fitting. We both are very sarcastic, love to read, down to earth, and have a bit of a tom-boy side. 

My middle name, Lynn, unofficially came from my mother's side of the family. Her oldest sister and my aunt, Francesca, always wanted a middle name growing up and decided to make it Lynn at a very young age. She introduced herself with that fake middle name to everyone she met which only slowly, but surely, convinced herself that it really was her middle name. She even requested to be announced as Francesca Lynn Percy during her graduation ceremony. My mother could see how much my aunt wanted the name Lynn to be a part of her, so she decided to make it a part of my name on her behalf. I really like how it is short and simple just like my first name. I think it even has its own sort of flow to it. Tori Lynn. Rolls right off the tongue. 

My last name, Foster, is the one part of my name that I don't know much about to begin with. The only facts I could get out of my parents was how it had only been in my dad's side of the family for a couple generations and that it is of German and Polish descent. To me, Foster sounds very bland and intensely White. Although, I have heard people comment on how much it fits with the rest of my name.

They say a name can make someone who they are, but in my case I would like to believe that I would still be the person I am today even if I was given a different name. The major events that have happened throughout my life span would have still happened whether I was a Tori, a Vicky, or even a Deborah. It definitely adds to your story though.   

Past-Present-Future

     I had the privilege of growing up in a home with both of my parents, a sister who is three years younger, and a brother who is ten years younger. Even though my mom and dad had three siblings each, I still considered my extended family to be fairly small compared to others. My sister and I were the only girls out of 9 grandchildren which definitely roughened us up a bit. My mom's side of the family, the Percy's, were closer-knit than my dad's, so I enjoyed seeing them the most. During my younger childhood years the Percy's would have family gatherings for almost all the holidays throughout the year. We'd all stay at my grandma's ranch in Imperial Valley for a couple of days. It was like this big sleepover with bodies throughout all the rooms of the house. A lot of my good memories come from the time I spent on this ranch. As I entered my high school years we didn't have as many gatherings, but we always saw each other on the big ones like Thanksgiving and Christmas. My years at Channel Islands High School were pretty drama and care-free. I was never the "party type" or had an itch to go out and experiment. I hung out with roughly the same group of people at the spot everyday. I got close to a few of them, but still preferred to rely on myself when it came to big issues. I was, for the most part, content and happy with the way I was. Soon enough, I graduated from high school and decided to start pursuing a higher education at Oxnard College.
     At this time in my life, I am attending OC with the hopes of transferring to Pepperdine University in two years with a major in Sociology. I am also excitedly awaiting the two-year mark of the start of my boyfriend and mine's relationship. Since I am still procrastinating on getting my license, my mom helped me to become a licensed daycare provider's assistant to help her with her out-of-home daycare. It has all the qualities of the perfect dream job: flexibility, convenient location, and a steady paycheck. My parents recently getting divorce was somewhat earth-shattering, but I am slowly picking up the pieces and steadily moving on.
     When I think of my immediate future, short-term goals like doing my homework ahead of time and finishing a great season of a show on Netflix come to mind. When I imagine my long-term future the first thing I usually think of is having that experience of motherhood, but before I even think about heading down that path I want to be finished with schooling and have some sort of financial stability. I also think about building the love of a lifetime. I want the loving, supportive and consistent partnership that my parents never had. I want to be able to travel the world and try new things together. I do want to have a good career of my choice, but that has always come second to family. To me, family is forever and work is temporary. Ultimately, I just want to have plenty of memories and experiences to fill up a lifetime.